Jon Smith, FQ’s new Agony Uncle offers some much needed solutions to your parenting puzzles. Jon Smith has two children and is the author of The Bloke’s Guide To Pregnancy published by Hay House, on sale at all good bookshops for £8.99.
If you have a problem write to Dear Dad, FQ, 3D Media Ltd, Seymour House, South Street, Bromley, Kent, BR1 1RH or Deardad@fqmagazine.co.uk See some of Jon's advice below...
NO PRINCIPLES I picked up a copy of your magazine not realising it was for men, and saw a competition to win some baby items. As I'm about to be a grandmother for the third time I thought I would enter it. Imagine my disgust when I saw what was written on some of the clothing. You guys might not feel ashamed wearing rude slogans on t-shirts but do you have to stoop so low to print it on baby clothes? Don’t you have any principles? From a disgusted grandmother. Sheena Lynch, Aberdeen
Answer Sorry Sheena, we’ll go and wash our mouths out with soap and water immediately. Just to show that we do have principles, we’ve made you the winner of our star letter award and an Executive Yoropen is winging its way to you as we speak. In the meantime, in case you missed that offensive t-shirt from Twisted Tee the first time, then here it is again.
Q. DADS BABYBLUES I recently discovered your magazine whilst in a hospital waiting room. Being a fathers’ support worker I found it a very interesting read. The issue that I picked up had Colin Firth on the front and a fascinating article inside on Post-Natal Depression in men. Since I’ll soon be attending a seminar on this subject I would very much appreciate any further details you can provide me with. I will also be subscribing to your magazine from now on as I believe it will be an incredibly useful tool for my work. Yours Ade Amos. Richmond
Answer Almost all new dads feel they have reached breaking point at some time or another – usually during a long night when their child just won’t get to sleep and the office commute is a couple of hours away. Nothing quite compares to the desperation felt by sufferers of PND. Once thought solely to be a women’s problem, even the NHS now accepts that men can be affected too. If you believe you may have the baby blues then you can speak to a trained expert at Parentline Plus for advice on freephone 0808 800 2222.
Q. When my wife was expecting our second, our daughter Carla seemed very keen to have a new brother or sister. When James finally arrived it was a different story. Carla is jealous. G. Evans, Exeter
Answer The reality of a new baby hits you like a bullet in the head; and you were prepared for the news. For the first child in the family, the reality of a new baby taking up mummy’s time and generally making a nuisance of itself often leads to jealousy (and some would say outright war). Jealousy between siblings can last a few days or it can last a lifetime, there simply isn’t an easy way to know. Your job is to ease the transition. No matter how excited or adverse to the new arrival your oldest daughter is, it is important to acknowledge that the new baby is ‘invading’ the family life you once had. A quick fix is to ensure that there is a present to child number one from child number two, as soon as possible. Quite simply, anyone who is willing to buy presents will quickly win favour with an aggrieved toddler. But that is only a short-term solution. Involving your firstborn in the raising of the second child will both help solve the jealousy and lighten your load (albeit only slightly). No matter what age the older child, begin referring to them as a ‘big sister’ or ‘great helper’ and they will, in turn,become the mentor and best friend to the younger sibling you always hoped for. Although you will not be able to devote as much time to Carla as youonce did, there is still ample opportunity for you to take Carla out on her own, leaving your wife the opportunity to concentrate on James and for you to enjoy some good daddy.
Q. Since our first child was born, we’ve tried for another, but it has only resulted in a number of miscarriages. Should we continue trying? M. Peters, Warwickshire.
Answer The loss you will feel for each and every miscarriage is as painful as it gets. Although there is support available for women suffering a miscarriage, we the men, are sadly ignored. To be brave enough to try for children and to be denied of the opportunity is one of the most profound feelings of loss we can endure. It almost becomes painful to watch the news, as we learn of so many unwanted teenage pregnancies, whilst we are desperately trying to welcome a child into the world. Miscarriages are devastating, but they usually occur for a reason, more often than not, there is a problem with the foetus, and therefore it is expelled. But this does not make the fact any easier for the mother or the father. If you are keen to have more children it is important to grieve the loss of the unborn baby, but to also look forward to a healthy child being born soon. Do keep trying for another and eventually it should be so. Miscarriage is one of society’s little secrets – in that it happens a lot more than one suspects. Although the pain is profound, the old maxim of ‘if at first you fail, try, try again’ prevails. Good luck with your efforts.
Q. My partner is pregnant with our first child but she has a daughter from her previous marriage. I love my stepdaughter dearly but I am worried my love for the new baby will be different? M. Taylor, Stirling.
Answer It will be different, insomuch as your love for any child is unique. If you are worried that you might love your new baby more than your stepdaughter, then rest assured that most dads worry about how they can possibly love two children as much as each other; regardless of the paternity. Your partner brought a child into your life whom you have come to know and love. Together with your partner, you are now bringing into the world another child. Your feelings for the older child will not alter, you will simply find extra room to know and love your new baby. Being a father is a lot more than providing sperm; a father is the person who is there through all the trials and tribulations, for as long as you are alive. It’s a total mind and body experience – not just impregnating someone. Enjoy each child for who they are. You will be there when they need you most and they will love you for it.
Q. My parents prefer my brother’s children to mine. This is causing a serious rift in the family. I don’t want to disown my parents but the favouritism is becoming embarrassing? S.Philips, Reading.
Answer Grandparents are strange creatures, but they love their grandchildren without question. It may appear to you that they prefer the other set of grandchildren, but the truth of the matter, more often than not, is that they love each of the children equally, probably more than they love you! Becoming a grandparent is as much of a strain as becoming a parent for the first time. For you, you had to start dealing with nappies and baby-grows for the first time. For your parents, they not only had to reintroduce themselves to a crying infant; they had to begin to comprehend that this child was the product of you, their son and that they have suddenly become that much older! Only a while ago, you yourself were puking and gurgling to the tune of ‘The Great Escape’ and now, some thirty years on there’s a pretender to the throne; and let’s face it, he’s a damn site more attractive than you ever were.
