Seeing as they’re such a holy bunch, you’d imagine that this list of religious dads would be worthy examples of fatherhood to us all.
As you’ll find out, most of the chaps featured aren’t. And a couple of them are downright, well, evil. Ah well, we’re not here to judge; that’s their job. If they’re religious and they’ve had a nipper or two, they’re in. God help us…
1 . JESUS CHRIST
Read The Davinci Code yet? No? Oh bugger, we’ve just spoiled the ending for you then. In the fictional bestseller it is alleged that ol’ JC fathered a child with Mary Magdalene (we always suspected she was a bit of a sort ) and a number of wo rt hy factual texts have expounded this theory over the years. It’s probably a load of old guff, but imagine having the Big Man as one of your ancestors… how cool would that be? VERDICT: UNLIKELY. (PLEASE, FUNDAMENTALISTS, DON’T WRITE IN TO COMPLAIN. TA.)
2. NED FLANDERS
Homer’s sickeningly cheerful neighbour claims he’s “done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff,” which makes him a thoroughly decent fellow in our book – and a damned fine dad (of Rod and Todd), too.We’re not too sure that teaching them that “lies make the baby Jesus cry” or not choosing a car with air bags because “God opposes them for some reason” is philosophically sound, but his heart ’s in the right place. VERDICT: “Okily-dokily-doo”
3. L. RON HUBBARD
Quite how one man managed, in the late 20th century, to conjour up an entire religion (Scientology) complete with farfetched philosophies, a holy book, celebrity mouthpieces and thousands of followers, is beyond us. His son might have some idea though, as he claimed in 1983 that “99% of what my father ever wrote or said about himself is totally untrue”. Ron had seven children and three wives. VERDICT: FANCIFUL
4. REV. DR SUN MYUNG MOON
Regarded by his ‘Moonie’ followers as the ‘ t rue parent of humankind’ and hailed as the Messiah, the Korean-born Dr Moon neve rtheless still finds the time to get his leg over – as his 15 or so children will testify (no one seems to know exactly how many children he’s got). Curiously, Moon’s doctrine’s encourage sexual “abstinence and purity,” – but that’s never stopped a religious leader from having a little fun before though, eh? VERDICT: SUSPECT
5. HAROLD BISHOP
In the same way that Dr Fox isn’t a real doctor, Harold Bishop isn’t a bishop. Come to think of it, Foxy isn’t a real fox either, but that’s not the point. The Neighbours stalwart is a worthy, church-going old buffer, who’s always keen to see good prevail – even if it means knocking seven shades of shite out of that dastardly Lou Carpenter in the middle of Lassiters. Fathered two children: David and Kerry. VERDICT: HONOURABLE
6. RODDY WRIGHT
TIn 1996, the former Bishop of Argyll and the Isles was at the centre of a scandal that stunned the Roman Catholic Church, when it turned out that he had fathered an illegitimate child back in the 70s. They found out when he deserted the priesthood for Kathleen MacPhee, a parishioner, whom he later married in a Caribbean wedding paid for by the News of the World. VERDICT: CLASSY
7. JIMMY SWAGGART
There are few things quite as entertaining as watching a Yank TV evangelist fall from grace, and Swagga rt ’s scandalous antics in the 1980s certainly provided some top notch entertainment. Despite being m a rried with a child, the minister partied with a couple of hookers, admitted an addiction to porn and was alleged to have been involved in all sorts of kinkiness. Still, at least he had the decency to fess up on the telly. VERDICT: REPENTANT
8. ROWAN DOUGLAS WILLIAMS
The Catholics must be kicking themselves. While scandal after scandal rocks their clergy, the Church of England’s priests can date, marry and procreate with a clear conscience. Leading the way in England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, who can often be seen getting sloshed and pulling tarts in his home town. Well, he can’t actually, that was a joke. He’s married with a son and a daughter. VERDICT: HOLY
9. MARCUS WESSON
The Californian, who ran his family like a cult, forbidding the women from contact with the outside wo rld and presenting himself as a divinely-inspired preacher, was sentenced to death this year after it was discovered that he’d murdered nine of his own children, many of whom he’d fathered through incest. He’d shot each of them in the eye. VERDICT: DESPICABLE
10. PRINCE PHILIP
There’s no doubt that the Duke of Edinburgh was at some stage boffing the head of the Church of England (and perhaps still is, eewww), as he has four ‘beautiful’ offspring to his name: Anne, Charles, Edward and, er, Dave. This doesn’t get him on the list though; what does is the fact that he founded the Alliance of Religions and Conservation and got the world’s religious leaders talking about conservation. He goes to church a bit, too. VERDICT: MISUNDERSTOOD
