Entertainment & Culture Film & TV

Confessions of a godawful TV watcher

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Written by Tim Barnes-Clay

From one-time social experiments to love at first light, how far will you go with your small-screen sins?

I have a friend who looks and sounds nothing like me and has a confession to make: he makes egregious TV choices. He who admits such, let’s call him Frankie Banger, asked me to expose his guilt and enlighten you on the addictive TV shows you really should keep quiet about in public.

Big Brother

It’s only Nasty Nick.

One time it was an innovative social experiment on TV. Now it’s akin to an anachronistic cage of 19th century circus freaks pawing around for undeserving fame. Fame that people like Frankie Banger willingly gives them weekday nights at 10pm. And then an hour later on Big Brother’s Little Brother. At least Channel 5 doesn’t have 24-hour viewing like E4 did and he can get back to normal life.

X Factor

For singing out of key.

Simon Cowell is the Saturday night TV puppet master and Frankie Banger is the marionette. The melisma season really gets him going. I mean, it’s steered by pure jealousy – Frankie Banger can’t wail a sound note to save his life. Still, he says, it’s nice to live vicariously through others.

Love Island

I told him not to wear pink.

An extended advert for car airbags. Because air is what the lovemates are full of and every episode is a piled-up car crash. Bronzed, muscular, leggy, slinky, oiled and every other bodily superlative Frankie Banger can think of help him through the show. And watch it in Ultra HD.

Take Me Out

How about that for a chat-up line?

Generation Z’s Blind Date. It has a way with marrying off couples. As of May 2017, there have been seven weddings between contestants. The same cannot said about Paddy McGuinness’s marrying of words. Let the “Hanky see the panky”, “Onion see the bhaji”, “Pina see the colada”. You get the pattern. Language breaches aside, Frankie Banger’s as addicted to the show as his Nan is to doilies.

The Sky at Night

Patrick Moore. Man of the sky.

This is only a confession because Patrick Moore isn’t on it any more and the other lot are rubbish. But the night sky is still a beaut.

Let us know if you ever give in to these shows once in a while?