Learn to fail: why getting things wrong is good for kids

Learning how to cope when things go wrong could be one of the most valuable lessons we give our children, says Dr Melisa Buie.

Watch a toddler learn to walk and you are watching a fearless expert at work. They pull up, wobble and drop to the floor again and again, and not once do they decide they’re simply “not a walking person”.

So what changes?

Somewhere between those first steps and the first report card, children can pick up a very different message: failure is bad and should be avoided.

Yet children are born as natural learners. Crawling, standing, talking: every milestone is built on a mountain of mistakes. Failing is simply part of how humans learn.

The trouble starts when getting something wrong begins to feel like something more. A red mark on a test, a disappointed reaction or a teammate’s groan after a missed goal can send the message that mistakes mean losing approval or belonging. Instead of experimenting, children start protecting themselves.

Fixed or ready to grow?

Researchers describe two broad ways of approaching challenges. With a fixed mindset, talent is something you either have or you don’t, so struggling can feel like proof you’re simply not good enough.

With a growth mindset, ability is something that develops through practice. Struggle becomes part of getting better rather than something to hide from.

The good news for parents is that mindset isn’t fixed either. The way adults respond to children’s successes, struggles and mistakes can help shape how they learn to see themselves.

Why failure can feel so huge

When a child is terrified of getting something wrong, the brain’s reactive alarm system can kick in. It can’t always distinguish between a genuine threat and the emotional sting of getting an answer wrong in front of the class.

That stress response can make rational thinking harder, which is why a child in the middle of a homework meltdown may not be able to simply “calm down and think”.

Understanding what’s happening can help us respond with patience rather than frustration. Give them time to settle first, then help them think about what happened and what they can do next.

Make failure useful

One of the most powerful things you can do at home is change what failure means. Treat it as a teacher rather than a judge.

WHEN IT GOES WRONG

When something goes wrong, try curiosity rather than criticism. Ask:

What were you trying to do?
What actually happened?
What did that teach you?
What could you try differently next time?

The aim isn’t to pretend failure doesn’t hurt. It’s to show children that setbacks are worth examining rather than hiding.

And don’t be afraid to share your own failures. Children can easily assume adults have everything under control. Tell them about the time you messed up at work, missed a deadline or completely bombed at something, and what you learnt from it. It’s ‘learn to fail’ in action.

Be honest about how it felt too. You’re showing them that failing doesn’t make someone a failure. It makes them human.

Don’t rush to rescue them

When your child is spiralling after a mistake, the temptation is often to fix the problem or launch straight into advice.

Instead, give them time to pause. A few slow breaths, a glass of water or a short walk can give that racing alarm system time to settle before trying to work out what comes next.

And listen. Put the phone down, make eye contact and let them talk. Sometimes being properly heard is more useful than another piece of parental wisdom.

The voice children use with themselves is often an echo of the voices they’ve grown up hearing. Harsh judgement can turn every mistake into something bigger; self-compassion makes mistakes manageable.

That doesn’t mean letting children off the hook. Think of it more like a good coach: honest about what went wrong, but encouraging about what comes next.

We teach this through our own behaviour too. When you make a mistake, try meeting it with humour and perspective rather than tearing yourself apart in front of them.

Let them wobble

Growth happens outside the comfort zone. If children only ever do things they already find easy, they don’t get the opportunity to stretch themselves.

Push too hard, however, and challenge can turn into fear. The sweet spot lies somewhere between the two: challenging enough to grow, but safe enough to try.

Encourage children to tackle something new, whether that’s a difficult climb at the park, learning an instrument or speaking up for themselves. Remind them that every expert was once a beginner.

Frame new challenges as experiments rather than tests. An experiment isn’t about proving you’re good at something; it’s about finding out what happens.

Let them wobble. Be the coach, not always the rescuer.

Show them you believe they can cope

Never underestimate the effect of a parent’s confidence.

When children sense that you trust their ability to handle difficult things, they can begin to trust themselves too.

Sometimes it’s worth saying it plainly: “This is tough, but I know you can do hard things.”

Then give them some responsibility and step back. Your confidence becomes the scaffolding they can lean on until they build their own.

None of this means deliberately setting children up to fail or leaving them without support. It means changing our relationship with failure, and helping them change theirs.

Wobbles and false starts are opportunities for children to discover that they’re capable, resilient and worth backing.

Approach failure as a teacher and you give them something far more valuable than a perfect record: the confidence to keep trying, and learn to fail.

Dr Melisa Buie is co-author of Faceplant: FREE Yourself From Failure’s Funk (Practical Inspiration Publishing), and a speaker, facilitator and organisational strategist with more than 30 years’ experience across industry, government and academia.

Read this article in the FQ Autumn e-zine 2026