Underlying truth

Avatar photo
Written by Tim Barnes-Clay

Do all men really prefer their women to wear matching underwear? I mean really? Here I am thinking about the underwear I am currently wearing, following a random chat I had this week with one of the dads from the school run.


Gem Simms, FQ’s resident sex columnist, uncovers the truth about matching underwear and mothers…


He told me his wife Sara was having a few quiet hours to herself and he was going to take the children shopping.

“The kids need socks and then I thought I’d buy some nice matching underwear for Sara,” he said, with a little blush, bless him.

Matching underwear, I pondered. Hmmm, I think I remember that phrase. Isn’t it what women wear before they’ve had kids, when they actually have time and the inclination to make an effort? Where the bra and knickers actually look the same in terms of style, fabric and colour.

I didn’t feel I knew him well enough to ask whether Sara always wore matching undies but he did reveal – before realising our conversation was a little below the belt (literally) – that he preferred her to wear underwear that matched because it looked nicer. Then he hastily retreated, ready to splurge on some scanties. The dirty swine.

I shudder as I recall what I am wearing and it’s certainly not the sort of sexy under garment I could describe to some poor desperate sod if I was a sex chatline operator.

The conversation would go along these lines:

“Oh, you want to know what I am wearing? OK you naughty boy, I am wearing a black bra which is two sizes too big and therefore doesn’t support my boobs at all. Well I say black, but actually it is a dark shade of grey as the colour has faded over the last few months.

“It is also a nursing bra because I am still feeding my 17-month-old toddler, so it comes with detachable cups which enable me to latch him on quickly and discreetly, with minimal fuss.

“And my knickers? Well I actually tend to call them pants because knickers are far sexier than the apple catchers I wear these days. I wear them big enough to hide my saggy tummy and copious stretchmarks. They don’t match my bra at all. Not even remotely.

“The elastic is going on them too so they are baggy where they shouldn’t be and the gusset is horrendously frayed.

“Oh a G–string would cause terrible chaffing.

“Are you turned on enough yet? Hello…? Hello? Are you still there?? …”

[Line goes dead]